I know exactly what I was doing one year ago today. I was sat at my grandparents' house with them, and my parents, brother, and uncle. We were just having a chilled Saturday, pootling round the house. We had a lovely roast dinner and watched some TV together and played cards. Outwardly, I probably seemed fine to them but November last year was the one time in my life where I've actually felt sad for more than one day. Like, I felt down for about a month. I remember sitting down on my grandparents' sofa last year on Saturday 2nd November and writing an anonymous submission for a blog about life stories:
"If there’s one word to describe how I feel, it’s stupid. Or shit. Either of those. I’m an upbeat kind of girl usually, so this is all a bit alien to me. I don’t really know what’s going on but I’m pretty sure it’s a case of “you always want what you can’t have”. Right now, I’m 99% sure it’s an impossibility.
I had it and I threw it away. I hope someone sees this and understands and I’m kind of hoping they’ll know it was me. Someone, anyone. I feel like I’m drowning. Maybe I’ve been in the ocean for a long time but I’ve managed to keep my head above the water. Lately though, I’ve been starting to slip under.
I’ve never really understood depression but now, well, now I think I do. You slip further and further into the water and eventually you’re so far down that no one can pull you out. Perhaps it gets to a stage where you don’t want to be rescued. I don’t want that to happen and I’m determined not to let it.
I’m not going to cry either. Some people say tears are a sign of strength, or show that you’ve been strong for too long, but I don’t think so. For me, it’s going to show I’ve cracked. And I’m not going to crack. Because I’m strong and I’m not done yet."
You know you get downer days? I think I just had a string of downer days for several weeks and I felt so crap about it. It makes me sad now thinking that this is a constant state for some people, that they never stop having downer days, and that it can spiral into depression. I'm so so sorry if you feel that way. I hope it gets better for you. It will get better.
On this day last November, my school work was piling up, I hadn't written my personal statement, things were a bit strained with this guy I was (or was not, actually) seeing, and I couldn't go to an amazing house party because I was 150 miles away seeing my grandparents. I know those factors all sound a bit trivial, but team them with a bad mood and a month's worth of bad days, and it felt awful.
Things have changed so much in these 365 days though. I powered through year 13 and got good exam results, so I'm now livin it up at uni. That personal statement seems so insignificant now! The aforementioned guy is now the boyf and has been for some time. It's going gr8. 2014 has been an amazing year so far and there's still nearly two months left.
I'm so thankful and so grateful for how far I've come in this year and for how much in my life has changed for the better. A lot can happen in a year.