Tuesday, 20 December 2016

Last night

Last night I met up with my ex.

I hate calling him my ex. He's my best friend. He's so much more than just a person who was my boyfriend for three and a half years. Well, I don't know if I can count it as three and a half years. It was 8 months as acquaintances, 5 months of Facebook flirting, 11 months as part-time boyfriend, full-time best friend (lots of on/off and to-ing and fro-ing!), and then a wonderful two years and three months as a proper couple. It was amazing. He's been in my life since July 2012 when we were sixteen and he's been pretty much the best part of it. We've grown together from kids fresh out of GCSEs, through all of sixth form and A levels and first holidays and first loves, to university, and being real adults and long distance relationships and making it work and making laughs and loving each other all the while.

He's incredible and I can't quite believe he's not mine anymore. We'd slowly been falling out of love for a while and it came to a point this summer where we sat down and talked about it and decided to give it one last push. If we couldn't revive things - so to speak - then maybe it was best to not be together anymore. We really cared about each other and there's still a lot of love there but maybe it's not the right kind of love anymore. He came up from his uni to my uni one Friday night at the beginning of October to us to "talk" again. We both knew he'd come up so we could break up.

I suppose it was as mutual and calm as it can be when two people still love each other a lot and are crying on a bed because they know they can't make it work anymore. We helped each other work out how to change our relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "no relationship information to show" and then snuggled down to cuddle and cry overnight. The following afternoon, he left. We kissed goodbye and that was that.

He left me a bag of my favourite snacks and a letter in my bedroom, tucked behind an armchair, as a kind of apology. I read the letter once that evening and put it away where I haven't touched it since. I cried maybe one tear after that and got on with life. There was so much to be done because stuff never stops and I'm a person who likes to get shit done. Five days after the break up, I got with my housemate who I'd always got on really well with, and who was there for me throughout September when I needed someone to talk things over with about my relationship. Maybe I moved on too soon, but mine and my now-ex's relationship hadn't really had the right kind of love for months. We were best friends and got on really well and loved being in each other's company, but sometimes that isn't enough. My housemate and I moved really quickly and it didn't feel like a rebound because something had always been there deep down and it just felt right.

We didn't talk again until the middle of November when he messaged me to see when I'd be home for Christmas and if I wanted to meet up for a drink. We spoke for about 45 minutes on Facebook messenger, and it wasn't until about half an hour in when something in me cracked. I cried tears that wouldn't stop, that poured down my cheeks and left me gasping. I missed him. So much. I cried again the next night in bed but after that I was fine. I enjoyed the start of my new thing with my housemate, loved his company, had the best time.

I got back home for Christmas on Saturday and my ex messaged me to see if I was around on Tuesday night to meet up. I felt excited to see him. To see my best friend. Going from talking to someone every day, to not talking for over a month is difficult. Really fucking hard. So I was really looking forward to seeing him. He called me as I was walking there because he'd arrived early and wanted to know what to get me at the bar. I walked into the pub with tears in my eyes because I already knew at that point that he still holds a massive part of my heart. I spent the night fighting back tears as we caught up on each other's lives and as I told him I was seeing someone new and as he told me he was also involved with another girl. I smiled and said I was happy for him but my heart was breaking. He said it's very casual with them and that he hasn't fallen for her and doesn't know if he will, and I felt pleased. And I hated myself for it. Because I'm with my housemate and it might be a new kind of love forming, but it's nowhere close to what I felt for him. My ex.

If he and I didn't have the right kind of love anymore then why did I cry myself to sleep last night, cry so hard that my whole face swelled up? Why have I been fighting back tears literally the whole day at work today, on my run tonight, and have them cascading down my face as I write this? I know the answer. I have a literal aching in my chest and I didn't know it was possible to feel like this. I thought I was fine but seeing him has brought it all back. If this is heartbreak then it fucking sucks. It also sucks that it took over two months to kick in. I don't want this to be the end of us but I think we need time to grow some more separately before we can come together again. I hope we come together again. I hope it with all my heart because I need my best friend back. I love him.

I know this is really disjointed and I've bashed it out in literally 20 minutes with swollen eyes and a river coming down my cheeks. I feel awful. This is so shit.

Saturday, 23 April 2016

APRIL 2016

I had my first exam of the year today and I think it went okay! Not great, not the best ever, but sound, decent! I just realised I haven't posted since the last day of my 19th year. I'm now 20 which is super old and I still feel like I'm about fourteen. I've had a pretty good past couple of weeks, even though I was revising like mad this whole week. I didn't even leave the house except for a couple of runs (more about that later!) but it was okay because the module I was revising for was interesting. It's the roots and development of English, and all the history bits like the colonisation of America, but also things like how the speech of London is diverging in its own way from the rest of the country. It's great. I'm actually going to miss it!

I thought I'd upload a few photos from the recent weeks because I do love a good photo on a blog. I got lots of lovely birthday presents from my friends and parents, including a cute cushion, a really funky tealight holder, and some beautiful notebooks. There was also a selection of Lush bath bombs, a double-clip-together goose feather duvet from my boyf, some sweet little ornaments and lots of alcohol that didn't quite make it to the photos.

I bought some lovely Barry M polishes today because they've recently put out a huge new range of colours. I treated myself to Laguna which is the light blue shade in the photo, and Dark Side of the Shroom (that did make me laugh) which is a... shroomy colour! I've also posted a photo of my favourite ever lipstick which is Rimmel's Rossetto by Kate Moss. I actually found this one in March 2013 (so long ago!) but they renumbered it from 19 to 08 so I thought they'd stopped making it. I was looking for something similar when I used it all up, and I love the way Rimmel feels on my lips, which is how I stumbled across it again. I'm so happy! It's actually a lot less pinky than it looks in the photo - much more of a nude-ish shade in person.

I'm trying to get more healthy and lose a bit of weight because since starting to take the pill, I've put on a stone and a half - all within the space of two months! One year on, the weight is not shifting so I'm changing up my diet dramatically and getting out running. I used to race competitively for my borough and in the London Mini Marathon and stuff, so it sort of feels natural to be getting back into it. I'm really enjoying being more active! I'm also calorie counting because things were getting a bit out of control. I'm shopping a lot more carefully too. Who knew rice cakes were such good, low fat snacks?!

I've shared some photos from my birthday night out too. I had such a great time. Predrinks was so fun and, to be honest, I could have stayed in all night getting absolutely wrecked. But town called and I came running! The main perk of going out on your birthday in Chester is absolutely having free entry to all the bars and clubs. I spent literally £2 that whole night and it was on my chips for the way home. Amazing.

I've also really been embracing Chester's beauty recently, mainly with lots of walks around the historic walls, down the river, and through the outskirts in the countryside. It's so lovely. South London obviously has its benefits but there's just something about being five minutes' walk away from fields full of cows and horses. I love it.

The last photo is mainly just for me to ogle over while I'm on my diet-type-thing and eating healthier (or at least trying to!). My boyfriend is an amazing cook and just before we went back to uni, he whipped this up in literally five minutes. Egg and bacon is one of my favourite combinations anyway and teamed with a toasted hot cross bun, it's heaven. The raisins were actually a beaut little addition to an otherwise normal breakfast.

I feel like posts like these are so self-indulgent and I've just realised I started nearly every paragraph with "I". Shoutout to my two readers from the UK, love you lol. I'm so happy that nobody I know in real life knows about this blog. I feel like keeping it a lil secret for nearing on four years is quite an achievement! So many people I know are starting blogs or YouTube now and are asking people to go and check them out and I think it's pretty brave. Like, you're putting yourself out there in a way that you probably don't in real life. I know I don't. But I kind of like having this all to myself. To whoever happens to be reading this (unlikely to be anyone!), I hope you're well and happy!

I'll leave you with my absolute favourite brand new totally amazing band, HONNE:

Tuesday, 12 April 2016


It feels so strange to be sitting down to write a blog post again after nearly four months of silence here, especially as I used to post around 15 times a month. These last four months have gone by in a flash and nothing seems to be slowing down. I blink and the day's over. I blink twice and another week has whizzed past. I've been insanely busy for these first four months of 2016. I've handed in seven assignments for uni (only one left for this year!), had three presentations (which I absolutely loathed), and spent lots of time with my lovely friends, my even lovelier boyfriend, and my fabulous family.

I started this blog in 2012 when I was 16. Life was great - still is - but I think I felt like there was this kind of void to fill. Almost like the life I was living didn't match up to the life I wanted and pictured in my head. Don't get me wrong, I was really happy, but there was this part of me that sort of felt incomplete. Does this sound really lame? Maybe. Writing lots and posting fun photos and interacting with other bloggers filled that hole and everything was fantastic. But a time came a year or two ago when I found that not blogging for a week didn't feel that weird at all. Like, I didn't feel compelled to sit down and bash out 1000 words about how I was feeling anymore.

So I stopped. Things especially dwindled once I moved to uni. That was also the time my boyfriend and I got more serious, so I was focusing on him and all my new pals and staying in touch with my family and friends from back home that blogging took a back seat. And I didn't really miss it at all.

This blog has never been a fashion or beauty focused blog, but that's what most people are interested in reading so that's what I used to try and write about. But it's not really me. You know, I was reading back over some old blog posts here last week and the one I enjoyed the most was my summary of Summer 2014. That was such a good time and I'm so glad I sat down here and took the time to write about it. Likewise, I posted about my first two weeks at uni and I found them so fun to read back on. I love documenting my life because I love looking back on it and remembering the person I was. It's not that I would say I've particularly changed, but I like reading about what 16 year old me thought about everything.

So I suppose this is kind of a pledge to myself to start blogging again. Not for page views (which I used to be obsessed with) or comments or follows (likewise) but for me. This is my little spot on the internet (cheesy line, I know) and it houses so much of my thoughts and personality from the past almost 4 years that it would be such a waste, such a shame, to give it up now.

It's my 20th birthday tomorrow so I'm writing this now on my last day of being a teenager. My teens have been incredible so I'm hoping to do a little summary post (my favourites to read back!) later.

Over and out xo.

Monday, 28 December 2015

Christmas 2015

I think this is the longest period of time I've gone without blogging since I started this all in August 2012. I've been really busy with a ton of uni work, lots of job-work, volunteering, seeing my friends, family and boyfriend, and just general merriment. So busy, in fact, that I totally forgot to blog.

I've been at home from uni since Friday 18th December and I've just spent all my time enjoying beautiful South London. I also worked a couple of shifts at my old McDonald's for $$$ but generally I've been relaxing and taking a break from all the stress at uni. I miss my housemates though - mainly watching TV with them for six hours a day every day (it's our way of winding down, okay?!), but it's so nice to have my mum's homecooked food and to go on runs with my dad.

We went up to my grandma's on Christmas Eve up until today to spend Christmas there, as we have done every single year of my life. We had a lovely time, ate lots of lovely food, and gave/ received lots of lovely presents. Not to sound too shallow or anything, but I think this is probably one of the best present hauls of my life, so obviously I'm very grateful. I feel like this is the only place I'm going to post about presents because I just think posting photos on actual social media is a bit... tacky? I'm not really feeling that.

(There was also a lot of chocolate - like a shit ton - but I, um, ate it. All.)

I think this is my first proper watch ever, like a proper adult one. I wanted something simple but cute and I thought black was a bit boring so navy seemed like a good bet. I just love it.

I love druzy stone jewellery so when my uncle showed me these beautiful earrings on Etsy I fell in love. They're just so perfect!

I think my favourite present is potentially this dressing gown. I can't believe at the ripe old age of 19 that my favourite present is a bloody dressing gown. A beautiful one though. It's so cosy and I love the tartan print. It has pockets and a hood and a soft snuggly inside. It's from the men's section at M&S if you want to go and grab yourself one. You won't regret it, I promise.

I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas, ate lots of delicious food, and spent time with your lovely families. I'll try to write a 2015 review post but it's highly likely that I'll forget or just will be too lazy. We'll see!

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Why I'm proud to work for McDonald's

I work at McDonald's. I've never been embarrassed about that. I started working at a branch in South London when I was 17 years old and still in sixth form. I worked 16 hours at the weekends and squeezed all my A level work in during the week. I made great friends at that job and looked forward to my shifts there. I remember getting really angry when one of my "friends" (but really she was just a girl in our friendship group who I didn't get on with) said, "my dad wants to know what your parents think of you working at McDonald's". And my response was something like "well they're proud that I actually have a job and that I'm earning my own money". I was the only person in our group of friends who had a job - a group of friends made up of ten people. I was livid that she was getting all snooty about me working at the world's biggest fast food chain when she was still living off her parents.

I'm 19 now and McDonald's is still the only job I've ever had. When I moved up to Chester last year for university, I landed a job at the biggest McDonald's in town within a week. While at the South London branch I'd been a "customer care assistant" which basically meant chatting to customers and wiping down tables, in Chester I worked in the kitchens. I learnt how to make every single item of food on the menu, and how to make it quickly and to a high standard. I've recently been made a "customer care assistant" again so I'm getting to know the regular customers in Chester's McDonald's, while sweeping the floor a bit and filling up the ketchup pumps. 

I've been with the company for two years now and so I've had a number of pay rises. McDonald's really do treat their staff well. I've never been denied a day off and I'm on the same pay as Waitrose staff now. Why would I ever want to leave this glorious company? I can request shifts whenever I want, or swap scheduled shifts for a more convenient time. It's so easy to fit it all in around my uni work and lectures, or for when I want to go back home to London for the whole summer. It's just so chilled.

You learn so much working at McDonald's. I don't know any other job where you're trained to work on tills, gain valuable transferrable customer service skills, use industrial vat fryers and grills, stock items, trained to use industrial strength cleaning products and which chemicals to mix with which others, how to get a toilet looking sparkling clean in 30 seconds, take orders like a waitress and bring food over like a waitress (all with no tips!), and so so so much more. 

People who've worked in both fast food and in shops say that working in McDonald's uses a much greater range of skills than other jobs in retail. It's such a fast paced, high intensity environment to work in but it's also so rewarding. I wish that McDonald's workers didn't have a reputation as being stupid and worthless because we're not. A lot of us are students, working to buy textbooks and our weekly food shops, while some are parents who need money to pay rent and provide for their children. It's a job, and a fairly decent one at that. Don't knock it.

Saturday, 31 October 2015

A fortnight in photos

I've been feeling like this blog has been starved of photos to accompany the posts lately so I had a little look through my phone's album to see what I wanted to stick on here. All of these posts kind of range from late September to early October - the time when I was packing everything up at home to move back to uni for second year. 

22nd September. I saw Jess on this day. We went to Camden for a spot of shopping and a trip to Honest for lunch. We also went to Selfridges on Oxford Street and had a wander around Liberty's. I bought this really cute dress in Traid, Camden for something like £13. It fits so nicely and I love the crushed velvet look (even if I am about four years too late there).

22nd September. A close up of aforementioned velvet dress.

23rd September. This was the day I went to a cute cafe for lunch with my friends Lola and Will. I sent them a quick OOTD picture with the caption "yay or nay?" because I wasn't 100% sure about this outfit. I love it now.

23rd September. I bought these really pretty earrings in Claire's with Lola and Will once we'd finished lunch. They're part Swarovski crystal which is pretty cool and I've been loving wearing them.

23rd September. A close up of the beautiful earrings.

25th September. The day before I left for uni, my mum and I went for afternoon tea at the Ebb and Flow cafe that's just opened in our town. It was only a tenner per person and was absolutely delicious. It was also a really nice way to say goodbye to my mama. 

30th September. (Well, the night of 29th September.) This was a really fun night out. It was a Tuesday night which is gay night in Chester. It's always a lot of fun on Tuesdays; the music is fabulously cheesy, the drag queen DJ is amazing, and there's always facepainting! For reasons unknown to me, I asked for a glittery rat, and a glittery rat is what I got. 

1st October. The floors in our house aren't sparkling clean because it's a student house lived in by hundreds of students before us, and there's a special kind of student dirt on the floors which can never seem to be scrubbed away. For this reason, my housemates and I decided to invest in some slippers from Primark. They're so cute and I kind of want to go back and buy every single colour there.

2nd October. I had fajitas the night before this for dinner, and so the next day with the leftovers I made fajita chicken and cheese toasties. It was delicious.

5th October. This masterpiece is entirely mine. No one else's pen ever touched any part of it which I'm so proud of. We coloured in three of these patterns and put them all the wall going upstairs to give the house a touch of cute.

5th October. Here's a little action shot of the process. (PS. days is not an exaggeration, these things take forever.)

5th October. The finished product.

7th October. This was the day I changed my sheets and put on my really cute duvet set. I bought this from eBay for about £15 and I absolutely love it.

8th October. This is what the majority of my day looks like, every day. The table is disgusting and the TV is tiny but I'm wearing my cute pyjamas and slippers so it can kind of be forgotten.

Friday, 16 October 2015


Written on Sunday 4th October.

I'm back at uni, yay! I've been back for eight days now, but I had a really lovely last couple of days at home in London last week before heading up to Chester. I had lunch with my two best friends in a really cute new cafe in our town, followed by a shopping trip and lots of laughter. I also did a huge shop with my mum and got an early Christmas present, a blender! I can finally jump on the smoothie bandwagon!!! My mum and I also went for afternoon tea on the Friday of last week which was absolutely delicious. I can't really be bothered to put pictures into this post now but I might do a whole separate post full of photos and little captions later on.

As Chester is a solid four hour drive from where I live in South London, my dad and I usually stop off at my grandma's house in the midlands the night before to break up the journey a bit. My grandma was a total babe; she bought some pork pie for me because she knows how much I absolutely love it, and she also had some J2Os lurking about which completely made my evening!

My dad and I ran the Parkrun in Birkenhead the following morning and made a pitstop at McDonald's for a spot of breakfast. Then he deposited me and my bags at my uni house and began his six hour drive back home. The rugby world cup caused terrible traffic so he didn't get back until the evening which made me feel a bit bad for picking a uni so far away. It took me three hours to unpack everything I brought with me and then my housemate Amy and I spent a solid eight hours watching TV. Given that we didn't have a TV in our uni house last year, it's such a luxury having one this year and we all like to gather round it for a spot of Jeremy Kyle or Judge Rinder!

On Sunday, I hit up Aldi and here's a very boring list of what I bought:

Orange juice
Mixed peppers
Sausage rolls
Quorn mince
Chicken breast
Natural yoghurt
12 eggs
Supernoodles x2
Pizza x2
Chicken kievs

I'm kind of trying to do the healthy eating thing but I do still need things like pizza and chips, of course. I've made three smoothies in this past week so I feel like I'm kind of on my way to a healthier diet as I'm used to having like two portions of fruit/veg a week.

This is where I stopped writing and couldn't be arsed to finish it off and post it. So, here we are 12 days later. I'll try to pick up where I left off.

It's currently 4.36pm on Friday 16th October and I'm sat in my room. I finished my last seminar of the week a couple of hours ago, after which I came home, made some Supernoodles and watched Salem Falls on TV. This marks the end of my second week of lectures and already I can tell how much harder this year is going to be than last year. I'm feeling a bit out of my depth already which is pretty tragic given that I've only had four lectures and ten seminars in total.

I seem to spend most of my time watching TV with my housemates and bitching about how messy the whole house is. Basically, I live with pigs and it's all a fucking state. My one other tidy housemate and I proposed the idea of a cleaning rota today because when pasta is constantly blocking the kitchen plughole and there's brown foam dried onto the floor of the shower, you know it's time to do something. But no, no one else seems to give a shit that we're living in squalor. I'm not even like a neat freak or OCD or anything but I don't like it when there's not even room to put a plate on the kitchen counter. Anyway, I'll stop ranting about the kitchen and just wrap things up now.

I'm aware that this is like a super convoluted post which is probably because I'm attempting to smoosh 12 days together in two paragraphs. I also need to be up mega early tomorrow because I'm giving accommodation and campus tours for our university's open day from 9am till 4pm. God help me. It's probably time for me to sit down in front of the TV with a spoon and a jar of Nutella.

Hope you're all well and loving life in your probably very tidy and clean houses. xo

Song of the day: