Friday, 25 July 2014


I've been thinking a lot lately about what it is to love. And to be in love. I think loving someone is one of the most beautiful feelings. I'm not talking just about loving a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but about loving your friends and family too. I've always categorised love by two definitions: being in love, and just loving, with the idea that if you're in love with someone, then you obviously "just love" them too. Am I making sense? In love = for your significant other. Love = for everyone who you care deeply for.

Then I broke up "just love" into conditional and unconditional. Obviously, you unconditionally love your close family, but then I feel like you build up to unconditional love with other people too, like friends. I think I wrote it in a post a couple of weeks ago, but aside from my family, I only unconditionally love two other people in the world. I think it's amazing that people who I've met, who weren't always in my life, who my parents don't necessarily know, are people that I care about on the same level as I do my family. Is that down to something scientific, or is it because we've just "clicked"? I suppose we'll never know. (What even is it to just click with someone?!)

I was doing some reading today and found that the ancient Greeks divided love into six different types; philia, ludus, pragma, agape, philautia, and eros. I thought it was really interesting, so I'll just write about it a bit more!

Philia: A deep but non-sexual intimacy between two people, like family members or best friends. I think this is pretty much what I'd call unconditional love.

Ludus: Playful affection, or flirting. Just fooling around, really. I'm not sure I'd really class it as luuurve.

Pragma: The mature love between long term couples which shows a high level of commitment. I'd say this is a combination of "just love" and being in love.

Agape: A love for all of humanity. I don't really see that as a type of love, but okay, let's roll with it.

Philautia: Self love. I can really get behind this one! I've become so much happier since I've started appreciating myself and loving me for me (as big headed as it sounds!).

Eros: Sexual passion and desire. I've always thought this is lust, pure and simple.

I hope you've found this as interesting as I do. I've been trying to categorise the types of love I'm feeling for people in my life via these six groupings. I can't say there's much pragma or agape yet, but who knows!

But don't forget a bit of philautia because, without that, it's probably quite hard to love anyone else.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014


This has been stuck in my head for days. 

PS. here's a picture of me with Este Haim after we partied at a DJ set at Latitude! I was fan-girling so hard inside but played it coooool on the outside (I like to think!).

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

So we should party all night

I'm going to Latitude Festival tomorrow, for which I'm a bit excited but also a bit nervous. I think I'm more nervous than I was for Zante because I'd done the whole airport shebang before, and I'd been clubbing before, but I've never been to a festival before so I really don't know what to expect. I hope that doesn't sound too pathetic. Two Door Cinema Club cancelled which I'm a bit bummed out about because I was really looking forward to seeing them. Lily Allen is replacing them though, so that's alright-ish. My friend and I tested our tent yesterday and it's okay but there are thunderstorms forecast for Saturday which obviously isn't great. Ah well, we'll see. 

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the packing right now and I keep feeling as if I'm missing something hugely important, agh!!! But you know how sometimes a random text really brightens your day? Someone I used to care about a lot just got back in touch and I'm sitting here with a delirious smile on my face. Anyway, I should get back to packing and I've somehow been roped into making dinner ALONE for the whole family.

I'll be back on Monday (or perhaps Tuesday) with a bumper Zante post complete with my fave photos (probably all more for my amusement than yours, but feel free to read!). I'll finish this post with a song that I don't even like but that's been stuck in my head all day:

Monday, 14 July 2014

Busy streets and busy lives

Everyone has a life.

Maybe this isn't such a profound realisation for most of you, and maybe this whole post is going to sound a bit stupid and a bit obvious, but it's only really something that has hit me in the last couple of weeks. So yeah, I understand that other people have feelings and that they go to places and that they have people in their lives who they love, who they hate, they have likes and dislikes, and so much more. But then I started thinking about how many lives one person affects. It started with a boy I work with called Harry.

Let's talk about Harry. He's classically good looking; chiseled jawline, defined cheekbones, great smile, the whole lot. He's a bit dopey when you chat to him, but he studies plumbing at college and he loves it. I don't think he's got a bad bone in his body, he's so sweet to everyone. He absolutely loves clubbing and goes out several times a week. These are just things about Harry, but this doesn't tell you anything about his life. I don't know if I'm making that distinction clear, but it works in my head. Knowing someone, and knowing about their life are two totally different things. So, until recently I only knew Harry as a person, barely a scratch on the surface really, but I knew nothing about his life and his thought processes.

When I was talking to him a few weeks ago, he told me the only reason he was still working at McDonald's was because he was saving up to take his girlfriend on holiday. So I asked about his girlfriend and we got talking about his love life. It turns out that handsome, lovely Harry has been very unlucky in love. He had a psycho girlfriend about a year ago who still stalks him, but a few months ago, he met a girl in a club. And as they got closer and hung out more, she became his girlfriend. He says he's in love for the first time and told me that he was getting some photos of their holiday framed as a surprise for her.

And that's when it hit me. Harry is a real person, not just someone in my life. Perhaps that's a really self-absorbed way to think, but I'd never really pictured him outside of the McDonald's work place setting before. This lovely, charming, caring boy is the happiest he's ever been in his life. He has a sister, and parents, and best friends, and a girlfriend he's devoted to. And none of that has anything to do with me. That could well be the most selfish sentence I've ever written. But there's so much to this one guy, this one person. He has so many dimensions and is so much more than just a chirpy happy guy I see twice a week.

He's a huge part of so many people's lives. So many people care about him. There are people like me who just know a bit about him and care about him because he's so down to earth and genuine, there's his girlfriend who's in love with him, and there's his family who love him unconditionally. And I realised that this is the case for every single person I've ever seen in my life. Not just people in my school, or the little girls at Brownies, but people who I've seen at the airport, or in Germany, or anyone on the street. They impact so hugely on someone else's life, and even if no one cares about them at that precise moment (which is a tragic thought), at some point in their life, they were probably one of the most important people in the world to someone else.

Right now, I have five people in my life who I care about an insane amount; my mum, my dad, my brother, my best friend Lola, and my part time boyfriend/full time bestie, Tom. Even writing this has made me see what a huge part of my life they are. But they all have lives too. My mum and dad did the majority of their living before I was born, and all those experiences they've had have shaped who they are as people today. My brother Skypes his friends daily after school and god knows what they talk about, but he's a huge part of all their lives. Lola is outwardly a happy go lucky gal, but inside I don't think she's quite as happy. This aspect of her life is something I had no idea about until recently as it's something she's chosen to keep very much separate from our friendship, but it's a massive part of her life. And Tom has so much going on in his world which I have nothing to do with. Friends I've never met, all his family in Goa, all these memories and experiences of his which are so important to him, but which I have no idea about.

I feel like this post is very disjointed and I've not articulated my thoughts as well as I wanted to. What I'm trying to say is that I'm only now really appreciating that other people have these intricate lives and thoughts and dreams and emotions like I do. I'm really trying hard not to sound selfish about this! Every single person, even people at school who I think are deathly boring, has a life made up of so many parts and people and experiences and that's so wonderful.

The lyrics to 'State of Grace' are really relevant to all this!

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Prom 2014

I had my year thirteen prom on Friday. It was actually kind of underwhelming. Not all of the year group turned up, no one except for me and my friends actually danced, and everyone was kind of bitchy about what other people were wearing. I think two girls had long dresses, but everyone else opted for short ones. Things were kept pretty casual; one girl even came in trousers and a crop top.

Me and my closest friends all met up beforehand for Pimms, popcorn, and a few photos. That was probably the highlight of my night. We had a swell time! I got very merry on Pimms and apparently was noticeably tipsy as we arrived at the event.

We all hopped on the "party bus" the school provided and headed off to Epsom Racecourse as we'd hired out one of the suites for the night. We sat down for a delicious meal and then watched as people got drunker and drunker on the extortionately expensive drinks. I danced with my pervy 60 year old English lit teacher to Wiggle by Jason Derulo and got inappropriately patted by him (my teacher, not Mr Derulo). 

Our school got photographers in for the event but the photos are SO expensive that I've resorted to screenshotting them and saving it that way. This is my favourite photo of me and my gals where I apparently have both the shortest dress and the most awkward smile. Win win.

It was an alright night, but probably not one that I'll remember for the rest of my life. It was nice to say goodbye to some people who I'll never see again though, and any night spent with your best gal pals is a night well spent.

No prom is complete without...

Sunday, 6 July 2014

Big Macs and breakdowns

Wew, what a day. I feel so emotionally drained - and let me tell ya, I hate that phrase. I feel like it's something that only people with a tendency to be over-dramatic say. But here I am, whipping out that line because I think that it sums up my feelings from today perfectly.

Let's start with one of the main contributors to my breakdown today: lack of sleep. I have not slept properly since Thursday. Today is Sunday. I know some people go much longer without resting fully but it's not something I'm used to. I had prom on Friday night, and yesterday during the day I went to a BBQ, and then straight on to a party in the evening. The guy I was kind of seeing was at this BBQ, as were a lot of our friends... as was his ex girlfriend. I don't have a problem with her except that she's really up herself and pretty fake. So maybe a few issues there, actually. Well, she was there bumming around and basically rubbing herself up on the guy (my guy? Let's call him Carlos, cute name).

So, she'd been getting pretty close with Carlos all afternoon at our merry BBQ and when he and I finally left in his car to go to the party, I was all like phew, thank god she's out of my hair. We popped home for a quick outfit change and then back out to our other friend's 18th celebrations. And who's there? THE GIRL. I don't know why I'm only calling her the girl, I've known her for years and she deffo has a name, but she likes to call herself Lala (why?). So, Lala doesn't even know the birthday boi, yet here she is. Why? I wish I knew. Literally, I do not know what she was doing there. I have a vague suspicion she was someone's plus one, but still. Maaate. She was the only plus one there.

Sorry, I'm getting a bit catty here. This has turned from me writing about deep emotions to me bitching out some girl. Apologies. Anyway, so Lala has decided she's not going to drink a drop of alcohol at this party which she was not invited to which is absolutely fine. But maybe if she was drunk, I'd hate her less. I'd hate her less for MAKING OUT PASSIONATELY WITH CARLOS. Carlos was pre-etty gone by this stage. Don't get me wrong, that's no excuse for his disgusting, dreadful, dismal behaviour, but it makes me want to blame him a bit less. Lala, however, knew exactly what she was doing, the scheming bword. I walked into the room and walked straight back out when I saw... it.

Ugh, what a sight. One of my friends went and slapped him which was a bit too far, perhaps, but he's since said that it made him realise what a total dick he was being (correct). I was surprised by how neutral I felt at the time towards the whole fiasco. I wasn't sad or really angry or crying. I was just mildly pissed off. Like, only a little bit annoyed. And I think it was more that I was witnessing it that annoyed me, not that actual thing itself. So I said a cool goodbye to them when they told me they were leaving and didn't really think about it much more. 

But I woke up this morning in the worst mood ever. I'm usually pretty good natured and I don't get too emotional at all, but I felt on edge for the whole of today. This, teamed with four hours sleep and an 8am - 4pm shift, does not make for a happy camper. I was fine for the first three and a half hours of my shift, until I took my lunch break at work. Being employed at McDonald's and all, I got my free Big Mac meal and retired to the staff room. But my Big Mac wasn't quite up to scratch, and it really upset me. The bun had been toasted for too long and there wasn't enough sauce in it. I think my ridiculous overreaction to the sub-par burger was the first indication that my emotions weren't in check today. Of course, I still ate the burger but - ridiculously - there were tears in my eyes. I was tired, okay?!

A few hours later, towards the end of my shift, I saw an abandoned tray on a table. The drink was still pretty full, but all the food was gone. 90% of the tables I clear still have drinks left over, so I didn't think anything of it. I went over to the table and had just picked up the tray. It was literally an inch off the table and I hadn't even taken a step when a man ran over to me and said "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?". So I did the whole oh I'm sorry is this yours I didn't realise you hadn't finished I'm so sorry here you go sir I'm so sorry spiel and he continued to shout at me. COULD YOU NOT SEE I HAVEN'T FINISHED, WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU CLEAR MY TABLE. So I apologise like six more times but in my head I'm like you fucking titwank, get out of my face, leave me the fuck alone but I've got my nice customer-friendly-smile on my face and I use my sugary sweet apologetic voice. And still he's shouting at me. I walk away and he follows me across the dining area like I WAS RAISED IN A GENERATION WHERE WE CLEAR OUR TABLES, I DON'T NEED YOU TO DO IT FOR ME. And all these other customers were looking and I felt so embarrassed. It was so humiliating.

My eyes started watering and I couldn't stop it. And then they watered more because I was so annoyed at myself for letting this utter dickwad of a 60 year old man get to me like that. One of my managers in the kitchen then called me over to do some drive thru orders. She hadn't seen or heard the horrible man shout at me but when I got to her, she saw my face and was like wow okay you need to go and take five minutes. And that five minutes, stupidly, turned into about thirty five minutes. I got one of my colleague-friends to bring me the toilet cleaning materials so I could pretend to be cleaning while I actually hid from everyone.

And that, readers, is how at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, I was locked in a cubicle, slumped against the toilet bowl, clutching a bottle of industrial toilet cleaner, and sobbing madly. I was in there so long that the motion sensor lights turned off. So, all of that but in the pitch black too because there were no windows. And I couldn't stop crying. Even when the tears stopped coming, I couldn't stop gasping and gulping. I don't know why. It was scary because I've never felt so wildly out of control of my emotions. I've usually got a pretty tight handle on things and people, especially at work, know me as someone who's happy and chirpy all the time, and who "never stops smiling" (quote from my fave manager).

There were maybe thirty people working in the store today but my, oh my, word spreads quickly. About five people came to check on me after I'd emerged from the toilet cubicle and every time they hugged and asked what was wrong, the tears would reappear. I've never felt so pathetic in my entire life. I'd love to say that I cried because I'm still ill from Zante (true), and that I'm absolutely shattered, and that the mean shouty old man pushed me over the edge. But I've got a nasty, niggling little feeling that I cried because of Carlos and Lala's kissing last night.

A few years ago, I vowed to never cry over a boy. I know that's pretty near impossible, but I wanted to keep it up for as long as I could. I don't cry over many people and I don't know and haven't - over the course of my life - known many boys worth crying over. Carlos, however, is worth crying for. He's a wonderful, beautiful, caring, sweet, amazing guy who got a bit too smashed and accidentally fell into the arms of his very promiscuous ex girlfriend. It's not great, but I've forgiven him. We've talked things out today and, while we've decided not to pursue an actual relationship with each other, we're as close as ever.

And the cherry on top of all of this is that my vow to myself remains unbroken. Yes, I cried and yes, my fragile mood may have been caused by a boy and his antics with a girl who is not me, but as this was not the direct cause of my tears, I'm not counting it. It was merely a contributing factor to my tragically pathetic breakdown which took place in McDonald's toilets.

I hope you're all having a considerably better weekend than I am and that you have a wonderful start to next week! xo

Thursday, 3 July 2014

Summer to-do list

2014 Blogger Challenge - post 13

For me, the summer began when I finished my last exam, 16th June 2014, and I believe it ends on 31st August. September is the uni month and there's going to be so much stuff to sort out that I'm not really counting it as summer. So, by this logic, I have one month and twenty eight days to do everything that I'm laying out right here.

1. Pull at least three all nighters.
2. Become best friends with someone I want to be.
3. Lose my voice from singing too much, too loud.
4. See my first shooting star of 2014.
5. Not be sick from copious amounts of drinking.
6. Go to Brighton with my best friend.
7. Visit Brick Lane.
8. Stay in touch with new friends.
9. Don't cry on results day.
10. Read every new book on my shelf.
11. Tidy my bedroom.
12. Scrapbook more.
13. Improve my henna tattoo skills.

I've gone a bit blank and obviously there's so much more I'd love to do, but thirteen seems like a good number to stick to, being a baby of the 13th day and all. I'm on a bit of a pause right now with regards to summer, I think; everyone else is still in school and I'm not actually on holiday anywhere. It's a weird inbetween stage but I'm hitting up Latitude Festival in exactly two weeks (aghhh!!!!) where I'm feeling there's potential to complete numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 8, and 13. I'll keep you updated.

The sunrise (or sunset.. who knows?) from our hotel balcony in Zante.

Wednesday, 2 July 2014


As my best friend wasn't able to come to Zante for the week with the rest of us, she and I decided to have some quality time in Camden on Monday, the day after I got back. We hadn't been up there together since May last year (where has the time gone?!) so it was nice to go back to all our favourite places and just explore.

One of my favourite parts of the day was finding a whole labyrinth of corridors and nooks and crannies underneath the Stables Market. I think it was pretty deep underground (there was no phone signal!) and we stupidly forgot to take photos. But seriously, this place is a wannabe-hipster-photographer's dream location. There are abandoned antiques stalls and locked-up forgotten cafes. We also stumbled across a sofa bed made up beautifully with patchwork quilts and sequinned cushions. A little along from that is a wall with thousands of people's names, phone numbers, and addresses to get in touch. I took down someone's address and left my email so we'll see what happens there!

Our best find of the day though was a fab store called Traid. They're a charity shop chain who collect clothes, customise them, and then sell them for amazing prices. A lot of the stuff they have is vintage too, but you'd never be spending an unreasonable amount of money. I found these great shorts there for £6 which is such a bargain!

They're quite a bit shorter than something I'd usually go for but they were so cheap and I'm thinking they'll be perfect for Latitude. One thing Zante has shown me is that nobody really cares if your thighs are a little too big for your shorts.. what even is "too big" anyway? If you like the way you look in them, wear them! 

I make a quick pit stop in Rokit (an overpriced charity shop claiming that it's vintage) every time I pass by but I'd never bought anything... until this trip! I fell in love with this men's jacket, reduced to just £4. It's waterproof which was pretty great because I came out in a tshirt and it started raining heavily when I got off the tube. The coral colour is really cute and I love that it's oversized, plus you can't go wrong for less than a fiver.

I also bought some scented oil. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with it since I don't have an oil lamp but I love the smell of lilies and it's a cool thing to have around, just in case. You never know!

And finally, before we went home, we swung by Black Gull Books. This place is amazing. There are thousands and thousands of books on just about everything. They're all second hand but most of them are in fine condition and cost next to nothing. I've wanted to read The Colour Purple for years so I'm happy that I stumbled across that one at the bottom of the shelf, and I loved David Nicholls's One Day (didn't everyone!?) so I'm excited to try this one out.

And there ends my mini "haul" type post which I hope you've enjoyed. I'm excited to show Jess Camden in a few weeks so I'll probably be back soon with another post full of more same-old-same-old junk. Happy Wednesday!

Song of the day:

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Don't be afraid to pig out

2014 Blogger Challenge - post 12

Don't be afraid to pig out

Don't be afraid to pig out by kategreen38

The topic for this post was "Meals" and, let me tell you, burgers and chips is my favourite kind of meal. This has turned into a bit of a burger appreciation post really, but I suppose what I want to get across is that it's okay to eat junk food. We're being brainwashed into thinking that a salad is the only way to go and we're being guilt tripped into ditching fast food and everything yummy. Don't get me wrong, I do love a good salad, but I love a good burger even more.

Eat what you want, when you want. Yeah okay, try not to become obese and still eat the stuff you have to in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle, but food is a great source of joy for a lot of people (eg. me) so don't limit yourself by avoiding the yummy stuff.

Happy eating, everyone!

Zante purchases

This is the second of many posts about Zante but I thought it would be fun to show what I bought out there. Surprisingly (or perhaps not so) most of my money went on drink, some on food, and only a little amount was spent on other bits and pieces like clothes and souvenirs. Tourist shops are my absolute favourite kind of places but I managed not to go completely mad with my tacky purchases.

I couldn't stop myself from buying this really cute orange bracelet though. It says Zante 2014 on it which is perhaps a bit tacky and, as cheesy as it is, my friends all bought ones in different colours. It's a bit matchy-matchy but it's a nice reminder of the week (along with my horrific tan lines).

No beachy holiday is complete without a hair braid. I got one last year in St Ives for £13 (extortionate!!!) but this was only 7 euros, so something like just a bit over a fiver. The guy who did it was about 50 years old and was called Baran. He was such a babe and also did henna tattoos for my friends. I think it's really nice having a braid underneath your hair so that it's a bit more subtle and can be hidden when you want it to be, ie. prom on Friday.

I bought this really cute anklet for two euros fifty. I've been after a nice, delicate-looking anklet for a while and this fits the bill. I love the hamsa hands too and what they represent so I'm looking forward to wearing this. It has little bells too!

Our favourite bar on the strip was Cocktails & Dreams with its fabulous 50 cent shots and 1 euro cocktails. I loved it so much that I went and found the bar owner so I could buy a tshirt from him. I put it on and then (apparently) proceeded to pretend I worked there and tried to take people's orders. Cringaroonie.

But, by a long shot, my favourite buy was this fabulous pair of trousers. I'm in love with anything paisley print and I thought these were the cutest things I'd ever seen. They're so comfy and I think they're actually kind of flattering. I'm not too happy that they're a size XXL though - since when was a UK size 12 an extra extra large?! (Please don't judge me for the mess on my bedroom floor, I can't help it!)

And this, believe it or not, is everything I bought in Zante which wasn't edible or drinkable. If anyone knows where you can buy cute paisley things here in the UK, holla at me because I'm feeling a bit of an obsession coming on!

Song of the day: